The Golden Arrow of Choiceless Clarity

I thought I understood where I had been living in the Zone of Uncertainty before Omani. This past week with Pablo Lucero really showed me how I show up in anything is how I show up in everything.

I invited Pablo to push me on the first night of Omani. I couldn’t imagine what that would mean. I knew I had pride and ego, but I wasn’t aware to what extent or how that was leading others to feel separate from me. The entire group didn’t trust me. I wasn’t surprised because all of my thoughts were selfish: I was fixated on how each person could enhance or subtract from my experience rather than accepting, trusting, and surrendering to theirs.

I see now that before my spiritual awakening at 1Heart in February 2020, I was a child. All the Work I’ve done in between has graduated me to be a know-it-all teenager. Finally, I feel I am becoming an adult.

Who I Was

I was prideful. I was non-committal. I would not hold true to my word because I thought I was better than everyone else. I would constantly talk about what I am going to do instead of actually doing them. I would be late and make excuses for being late in my hubris and pride. I thought of myself as a “conscious leader” but this identity isn’t what I was… it’s what I aspired to be.

I would constantly delay what I know to be true instead of actually doing it because I’ve been so disconnected from my Inner Truth. I would live life in stress, anxiety, and pressure from a scarcity mindset because I inherently didn’t value my own time, my own Self. I wouldn’t express myself from a place of love and instead would speak from a voice of shame, anger, and mistrust because I have been angry at my Self and mistrusting of my Truth.

I gave up on myself so easily and would not own up to it out of my own pride. I constantly looked outside for affirmation and measurement while I should have been looking inside and honoring my own integrity.

I’ve been looking at life with a scarcity mindset and wavering in the Zone of Uncertainty because I haven’t trusted myself. I have been scared to fully commit to my startups because I haven’t believed in myself. I have been inflating and projecting my ego because I’ve been too busy trying instead of Being.

My interactions with people have been driven by egoic listening instead of open, present connection. I have been constantly searching for the possible transaction in my relationships: how can this person benefit me? Even while in service, my benefit would be to practice being in service. I would accumulate a mental balance sheet of karma that I’ve gained or owed. I would feel good about myself when this illusion tilted in my favor: “oh, how good I must be” because I acted good.

I haven’t been willing to risk enough to be in my Truth. And what is enough is only everything I have. I’ve been attached to so many things — my car, identity as a “conscious leader”, creature comforts, poetry, books — that I’ve created a trap for my soul because I haven’t been willing to risk any of it to be free. I thought I had “freedom” to eat delicious food, visit exotic places, go to transformational retreats, but I really haven’t been free at all because I haven’t given myself the real freedom to just be. I haven’t fully loved the things I’ve been attached to because I’ve been afraid of losing them. 

I would constantly delay my Knowing that I was not living in my Truth, not realizing that I was further slipping into ignorance and suffering. I’ve been ignoring so much, like an ostrich that sticks its head in the sand: my partnership, my business, my service, my community, my mother, and most importantly, myself.

I’ve been telling stories about what I will do instead of actually doing them to feed my ego. I’ve been racing to fulfill the stories, exhausting myself on this hamster wheel of trying to catch up to my own ego. It’s almost laughable now just how much suffering I created for myself.

I constantly over-consumed. Sometimes, I’m “preparing” for a possible future of not having enough food. Other times, I’m feeding an addiction to delicious food and not even enjoying the deliciousness with presence. And sometimes, I’ll be telling myself I need nourishment rather than listening to my body that I’ve had enough. I had this vivid realization while purging within a rape ceremony right after over-eating at brunch.

And it’s not just with food. I over-consume everything: experiences, racking up the social validation of tagging myself in exotic places on social media; possessions, buying more stuff than I need for novelty of having them; and even spirituality, reading more and meditating more and professing more and thinking I’m that much more spiritual than everyone else. What a joke.

I distracted myself with Reddit, Instagram, porn, the news, TV, and other spiritless activities whenever I would feel self-doubt (which was often). I didn’t know how to sit with boredom, or rather, I would get bored so easily and then entertain myself rather than being present. I ignored so many issues – in business, finances, my marriage, friendships, community, service, and physical health – opting instead of tell only positive stories to prop my own ego up.

I’ve been my own harshest critic, feeling apathy, guilt, shame, resentment, and anger towards myself for not choosing better… especially since my ego identified as a “conscious leader”. I would feel physically drained every few days, not understanding that it’s the weight of all the baggage I’ve been carrying around. I would blame others or the universe itself for not holding onto my baggage for me, not knowing that I was just adding more and more to it.

What I Have Learned

I learned that honoring my commitments and being impeccable with my word is an act of honoring my own Truth. It’s not for others. It’s for me. Everything I do is for me to be in my Truth and act with the “golden arrow of choiceless clarity”. I would constantly weave words to justify my self-violations instead of taking clear ownership of how I violate my own Truth.

I learned that developing “intestinal fortitude” is necessary to confront the challenges of life with consciousness. It’s when I’m tired, hungry, dizzy, strained, and at the edge that my consciousness and integrity is most needed. I learned on the very first day how easily I have been giving up under the guise of asking “what’s the point of pushing harder anyways” or “it’s okay because no one will see me give up”.

I thought I took 100% responsibility before, but now I see that I get to take 100% responsibility 100% of the time. I get to do this for myself and only for myself. It’s not for my wife or my mother or my friends… it’s for me to constantly be growing, learning, and moving deeper into my Inner Truth.

I learned that the measure of my care for something is what I’m willing to risk to keep it. My care for myself means that I’m willing to risk anything and everything to live in my Truth. When I was not willing to risk my attachments, I would operate from a scarcity and fear-based mindset. When I wasn’t willing to risk my marriage to stand in my Truth, I wouldn’t speak my truth. Instead, I would bottle up more and more resentment until I would leak micro-aggressions or explode.

I learned that it’s not worth it to add more suffering to this heavy backpack of guilt, shame, and resentment I’ve carried around all my life. I learned that it’s worth everything to lighten my load. Enlightenment literally means fully lightened, and I am excited to lighten myself progressively more and more.

I truly understand what scarcity mindset means now: I can look at anything with love instead of fear of losing my attachments. I can feel love for my work, my things, and my money because of the joy they bring me instead of the fear that they will disappear and lead me to a future suffering. Like attracts like, and now I know that looking at my bank account with love, enjoyment, and trust means that I will attract more financial abundance. Looking at my cash flow business with love because of the lifestyle it affords me means I will attract more opportunity abundance.

I learned that I can only consume/take what I need. There is an abundance of love, money, value, enjoyment, and peace in this world and I get to share this with the world. I learned that everything I have is enough to enjoy when I am present and grateful for the all the little textures of life.

I learned to let go of my attachments. I learned to let go of my pride that has been holding me back from true connection. I learned to listen to others from a place of Oneness and openness instead of egoism, selfishness, or a transactional nature. I learned to love anyone and everyone because everyone is just trying their best. Everyone is doing their best. Even Hitler thought he was doing his best. I see now that everyone deserves all the love I have to give, which is boundless.

I learned to let go of my guilt and shame. I learned to own up to my mistakes, to take the consequences and feel grateful for my opportunities to grow. I learned that I’m trying my best and I’m human. All of life is a journey into Oneness, so every challenge is just another opportunity to grow.

I learned that the time is always now to heal and grow. The time is always right to lighten myself. I cannot delay my Knowing any further. Why add to my suffering? It’s all just so silly. I would never want to lie, break my commitments, betray myself or others, or hurt anyone ever again because I’m unwilling to add more karmic debt to my spiritual balance sheet.

I learned that anytime I feel the pull towards distraction, ignorance, fear, anger, or guilt, it’s my internal compass saying: “there’s something here to let go of.” I’m grateful for my conscious awareness where I can shine a spotlight on my attachments and then surrender them. I can actively lighten and the very thought of this makes me feel lighter already.

I learned that the meaning of life is that there is no meaning. When I realized this, I felt so much lighter because I could stop chasing after meaning. Life is here for me to enjoy. I get to work because I enjoy it. I get to converse with friends because I enjoy it. I get to take a walk in nature because I enjoy it. I can enjoy anything and everything – including pain and grief – because life is such a gift. I get to be human and feel so many things. I get to interact with other humans, who are universes unto themselves and experiencing their own version of reality to the fullest of their experience. It’s magical.

Enjoyment

What a gift… I can enjoy every single thing, every moment, without caring about what others think of me. I can just enjoy my Self. I can enjoy every moment of life. I can know that I can enjoy any moment, even grief, because of the preciousness and gift to experience life.

Wow, I can’t believe how much I used to care so much… about appearance, or about fear of loss, or about being alone. Every moment has the magic available in it. It's so obvious. What a cosmic comedy. I'm laughing out loud because I made life so hard.

I see now that the more awareness I have, the more of life I get to enjoy. I even get to enjoy the joy. I can even enjoy guilt because it guides me to growth. Fascinating. I can enjoy the feeling of Love ever present around me, all of this Love waking up. I can just imagine all the love I will feel. I'm so excited to enjoy conversations with full presence instead of calculation.

I can ask my wife for help and enjoy whatever outcome there is. I can enjoy the presence in doing chores or the extra time to rest. I can even enjoy being tired… it’s such a beautiful signal from my body and an opportunity to be strong. I can enjoy being awake because I can enjoy more joy. I can enjoy falling asleep because of the amazing feeling of profound restfulness which then leads to more lifetime to more easily experienced joy.

Wow. Experiencing death is going to be amazing. I get to experience something I will ever get to experience once. And there was so much buildup! So much fear of death! Oh, the fullness of that experience to be the final letting go. The ultimate surrender. How magnificent must that be? To let go of all baggage, to finally be fully lightened (enlightened). I'm going to learn, grow and experience so much when my mom passes away. I will get to feel the depths of grief and letting go that I’ve only ever experienced once before, which was when my father passed. If I get to stay with my wife, I get to co-create a beautiful uplifting future together. And if not, I will meet an incredible woman that constantly surprises and uplifts me like a female version.

Why does anything matter? Every option leads to the ability to enjoy every moment. It doesn't matter what others or the world thinks of me. I don’t need everyone to know I’m a “conscious leader”. I can just enjoy the work I do: asking questions and participating in seeing people lighten their own suffering. I can fully enjoy surrounding myself with people moving closer to Oneness and enlightenment, which means a little lighter at time. What a gift!

I can even enjoy boredom. Wow. Is boredom weird or what? It's the feeling of stillness and yet I have thought of it as bad. Even stillness is amazing. It's especially so because there's almost more room and easiness to enjoy.

I get to enjoy money and all of the abundance I will create. I can look at my bank account with love and joy, and feel fearless in asking for investments because I am 100% confident in my ability to create value and beauty.

I can even enjoy rushing because what a crazy emotion is that? I'm afraid of being late. But so what? In both cases I will still be able to enjoy whatever happens and believe that is the best version possible because it is the only version possible. It doesn't matter because it's the one I get to experience now. The very feeling of rush indicates to me that I’m attached. I can enjoy the growth of my conscious awareness of it.

Every person is so, so precious and interesting. Every person is so unique. The accumulation of so many experiences and a unique set of programming. How fascinating. I can enjoy every interaction with every being. It’s going to be so fun.

I see why monks move so slowly, now. They're enjoying every moment to the max by increasing awareness. They’re enjoying brushing their teeth, chewing their food, smelling the grass, feeling the sun, hearing the river run, feeling their muscles, and falling asleep. What a gift to experience life more and more fully.

The fastest way to experience new experiences is by relieving them which is why empathy, service and love and connection with others feels so good. We get to experience each other's experiences and therefore relive our own. This is why it will feel so good when I'm present with my wife when all of this clicks or when I experience her teaching me. This is why I am in service: because I get to enjoy everyone else freeing themselves of suffering. How beautiful!

This is why surrender is such an important idea. It's the act of letting go more and more. Every feeling becomes a gift. Every resentment is just an opportunity to let go of more. Enlightenment is the letting go of any desire, including the desire to let go. It’s to be fully present and fully experiencing. It’s to be absolutely still.

What am I willing to risk for this peace? I must be willing to lose and risk everything. Only then, can I be fully lightened of my attachments and walk through life fearlessly. I get to see how attachments tie me to the fear of loss. I never need to fear loss because I can drop the baggage of holding and gripping so tightly to that thing.

I am ready to let go of who I think I am. I am ready to let go of telling people I've changed. I’m going to show instead of tell. I’m going to be clear through my actions and my eyes. I feel peaceful because I figured out that letting go feels so much better than holding on to suffering. This also means I don't want to add to suffering by breaking my word. And I want to experience as much stillness and awareness as possible through maximal presence.

It’s all so clear to me now. I get to really listen and feel my Inner Truth, emanating from my soul at any given time. I get to let go of my resentment, guilt, shame, anger, and suffering that blocks the light of my Truth. I get to be my word at all times and to live a life of enjoyment, to be able to laugh at the divine comedy that life is so easy if I just allow it to be so. I get to make every decision with Choiceless Clarity. I get to be the Golden Arrow, sharpened and honed to a point: every decision, every commitment, and every action I take is clear and focused.

No more confusion. No more betrayals. No more shame. No more fear. I am my Inner Truth. I am Joy. I am Love. I am the Golden Arrow of Choiceless Clarity.