A Prayer for Love

Hello my love. I picture you reading this in a slice of paradise: the sun radiating heat outside, the ocean breeze gently caressing your skin, and the sand tickling the bottoms of your feet. Imagining you at Yandara in my mind’s eye brings a smile to my face. I love you so, so much.

I started writing this letter without clear intent. As I pour forth my words, my heart goes to a place of gratefulness at the thought of you. Your smile brings me love and joy. Your embrace gives me tingles down my spine. Your breath on my neck fills me with warmth, a fullness in my chest that penetrates every cell in my body. I love you so, so much.

Sometimes, I feel like the English language does not have the words that I need to describe this love. I’m reminded of Ram Dass sharing that when I’m in love, I am touching a place inside me that is love. You are my gateway to this love and I’m so full of gratitude.

Our love is changing because we are changing. My expressions of love is changing because my awareness and understanding of love is changing. When you told me last night that you miss me, I felt an obligation to repeat that I miss you back. The truth is that I do not miss you because you are here with me. Your love is inside me. I’ve felt a shift over the past two weeks that I described in our session with Paul: I feel this expansive love as I’ve been releasing my self-imposed suffering, and I feel a greater sense of steadiness, peace, and contentment than I’ve ever felt before.

If I could never hold you again, I would miss you dearly. I also have faith and commitment to the love that we share, whatever form it takes. I am out of the zone of uncertainty, the questioning of “should I” or “shouldn’t I” when it comes to spending the rest of my life with you. I am. I will. You are my angel, you are my queen. From my newfound trust in life and commitment to you, I have released myself of the fear of losing you.

I could never lose you. You are and will always be in my heart. You seek a strong, grounded, and fearless man. This is the first step to facing my shadows, to become friends with my fear, and allow it to guide me to the biggest crack that love is filling: the anguish of abandonment and the deep-down fear of loneliness. As Ram Dass shares in one of the meditations that we love so much, I can never be alone because we are One.

I know that my energy when you want love from me feels different, now. Yesterday, I heard you share your confusion as to why you would feel such anguish when you are crying out for love and not feeling it from me. I am still in my process, in the in-between, navigating the uncharted territory of how to Be Love where I used to Be Fear. I’m so filled with gratitude that I can even have this opportunity to dissolve my past identity. I ask for your patience, your graciousness in helping the scared little boy inside me turn to look into the light. When you want love, please give me love. Please give yourself love. I will try my best to do the same. We are two oak trees entangled in our roots, supporting each other through this process of transformation and transmutation into One.

If you were by my side right now, sitting at the kitchen table as I type this letter, I would turn to you and hold you tightly. I would tell you: Thank you, I love you, please forgive me… I forgive you. I would rub the space between your shoulder blades, kissing your left cheek just under your ear, and let you know that it’s all going to be okay. I have faith. I would let you feel my heart, chest to chest, so you could know that it’s okay to relax into the present moment. You do not have to close your heart as you have so many times before. I will never leave you. I am always here by your side. I am always inside you.

So just as I started, I will say: I can miss the form of my wife, the sweet girl with joy bursting at her seams, the beautiful lady exquisitely put together no matter if she’s going to yoga class or to a dinner party; you can miss the form of Austin, this man that you imagine growing old with, the future father of your children, the rock you can hold onto when the winds of time threaten to falter us from our path; but the love that we share is timeless. It’s everpresent. It’s always here, in you and around you.

I’m with you. I love you. I utter a prayer under my breath: may you find stillness. May you find peace. May you give yourself the love that you crave so much because it has never left you. May you see your shadows clearly. May you close your eyes and be touched by God, the divine within your heart. May you hold a smile because you are Love, my dearest my wife, Baobei. I love you so, so much.