Anger Deserves Energy
Last night was a cathartic experience. I felt so certain that Paul’s coaching for my wife and me would center around my wife’s closedness and lack of taking responsibility before we left the home. I was convinced that I have been in my loving center, full of acceptance and presence. Once again, I learned that the veil of my conscious posture hid the underlying fears that were leading me to manifest the chaos in my life.
My wife and I sat around a fire, sitting with Paul and his two partners, Diana and Anna. Every time we’ve shared space, I would pause in wonderment at the peacefulness, joy, and completeness of their throuple partnership. I see now the work that it takes to arrive there: a fearlessness of being, a trust in life, a constant examination of one’s own energy, and a deep honesty with the fears that underlie anything but loving presence.
My wife shared that she felt enormous distrust for me. She’s aware of her projections, she’s aware of the blame that she casts on me, and yet she cannot help but point the finger because she doesn’t feel safe. My mind rebelled against the idea: how could my wife not feel safe when I hold space with presence and acceptance so often and so intentionally? How could she not be satisfied with our life of freedom and opportunity? How could my wife distort my goodness, peace, and selflessness to engender the anger that so often permeated our home?
I shared my experience of feeling an expansive, non-directional, and radiant love heralded by the presence of our dear friend, Diana, entering the field of our home. I shared how this extraordinary love and peace that I’ve recently felt was stampeded on by my wife’s anger and projections of insecurity. I expressed how unsafe I felt to share my feelings for fear of triggering my wife into rage, for fear of my physical safety and the preservation of the things in our household that have gotten destroyed in her fits of rage.
Then, I invited a practice that Paul had shared with me when we first spent time together in Boulder: entering a container where full expression – especially anger – is encouraged. I recalled a conversation I had with a friend where I shared that I am so exhausted from constantly articulating my feelings in a conscious way. Non-violent Communication, Attachment Theory, “Hold Me Tight”, Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”... all these books have taught me to be careful, considerate, and precise with my words. But what I really yearned for was unabashed, unadulterated, and unfiltered expression while being accepted for all that I am.
Paul, Diana, and Anna set the stage in the room appropriately named the Temple. I partnered with Anna. We took our socks off to enhance the grip on the ground. I pretended that she was my wife. We held each other's shoulders and pushed on each other. Then, we began to get angry. I couldn’t extract the anger out of me at first… I told a story and intellectualized. Meanwhile, Anna raged at me. I cursed and shouted to “take responsibility”, to “stop pushing me down”, “value me”, and “support me”. Rather than receive acknowledgement – which is everything that I crave – Anna threw it all back in my face. She yelled that I’m a scared little boy, that no woman wants to be with such a fearful man, and all I could think was: “you’re right”. I didn’t feel the anger that needed to come out at the moment. I convinced myself it wasn’t there.
My wife went next, already filled with excitement because she wanted to say so much after hearing my accusations. She got in position, holding Paul’s shoulders, and pushed to the point of exhaustion. She yelled that Austin is so full of fear, that she doesn’t trust me, that she doesn’t respect me, that she wants to be with a “Superior Man”. All of it came out of the stream of consciousness. It all sounded familiar. Still, my mind fought her needs: I told myself that my wife is still not taking responsibility, still telling herself the same old story, that she doesn’t support me in getting what she wants.
When we paired off together, as my wife raged at me, I finally found that well of anger that needed recognition. I said things I’ve never said to my wife, only thought and then buried in service of “conscious discussion”. I raged at her that she’s a little child, to be a fucking adult, to take responsibility, to stop her projections of her mother, to stop hitting me, and so much more. She yelled back that she’s tired of my insecurities, that she wants to be with someone who’s not so afraid, that she doesn’t trust my ability to lead.
As we both collapsed into exhaustion, I felt a relaxation that came from deep within my emotional body. Everything I said was true. Everything she said was true. I witnessed how my fear of triggering my wife was the exact reason why my wife would get triggered. The feminine spirit wants a man who can receive all of their emotions fearlessly and lovingly. The feminine wants a strong masculine presence that can hold firm to his integrity and beliefs. I have cowered so often in my fear of my wife’s rage. I have compromised my feelings, my needs, and my truths so often to maintain this conscious persona.
I asked Paul how I can release the fear of my wife breaking things in our home. Paul shared that it’s my attachment to the physical objects that leads my wife to break those things. The key is to detach and to ascend in my spiritual posture: if I am able to detach from physical things, which comes from a deep down feeling of scarcity, then I’m able to hold my wife’s anger without fear. She only breaks things because I care about them. Instead, I should just care about truth and love.
I felt the familiar feeling of revelation sink in. It’s all so meta and cyclical. I thought I was being love – and really, I have been – but there was also the taint of fear. I see now that the path to being a Superior Man is not just to engage with loving presence. It is also to be an embodiment of fearlessness and groundedness. I have been purposefully withholding my anger and holding space for my wife, compromising my own needs and integrity and then feeling resentment towards my wife for not supporting me. Now I see: I need to support myself.
The solution is contrary to everything I’ve learned. When my wife is angry and I feel angry as well, I should get angry back. But the delicate balance is that I can be angry while still being love. I can acknowledge the truth of what my wife intuits and expresses in an explosive way while communicating my truth in an equally energetic, fearless, and still loving way. I need to make room for my wife’s anger. I need to give space to my own. All feelings deserve to be honored by both parties. I need to set aside the therapy programming and fully be myself, uncompromising yet loving.
When all of this sunk in and I repeated it, my wife shared that she still doesn’t feel trust for me. Diana took advantage of the opening to share with my wife that her distrust of me is also a non-recognition of the truth of what I share to her. And that hearing the truth, however hard the truth may be, allows for a relaxation at a psycho-spiritual level that we can feel in our bodies when we open to it. my wife saw the truth in that very statement: that her distrust of me was also a constant opposition to the truth in what I share, and that opposition led to conflict and tension in her body. This would then be transmuted and projected as anger, further perpetuating the spiral of fear and distrust that underpinned our partnership.
Both of us felt an extraordinary shift in our being. Now, I integrate. I feel so grateful for the new modalities that are opening us up to higher levels of being beyond the typically available teachings of therapy or relationships. I’m excited for this new phase of my consciousness and our partnership.
