Dear Baobei, How I Feel on NYE

Dear Baobei,

I’m writing this letter to you to reflect on the past twenty four hours with as much clarity and responsibility as possible. I thank you in advance for reading this with the patience and receptivity that I know you will.

I’m feeling a cocktail of emotions right now.

I feel sad that I will not be able to hug my mom and wake up to her for I don’t know how many months. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed having her presence, from the moment I make her coffee to the kiss that I give her before sleeping. I’ve shared a deeper spiritual connection with her this week than I have ever before. I felt so much at peace with her and I will miss this.

I feel hurt because I feel her pain and yours at the way this week concluded. I love you two the most of anyone in this world, and I wish both of you the peace and forgiveness that you two deserve. I saw both of you lash out in anger, stuff up emotions, feel ashamed at your actions, and cry from the suffering you both feel. My heart reaches out to both of you in prayer for healing and harmony.

I feel disheartened that you two will not spend any more time together, which also limits the possibilities for me to spend time with my mother. Having come from a broken family, my deepest wish all my life was to have a family embracing each other in mutual care and love. I envisioned a future where my mother, my wife, and my children would be laughing and playing together. My tears reflect this hope dashed.

I feel helpless seeing the suffering you both have while also understanding the path out of it. I can see so clearly the interplay of both your traumas, the fierceness by which you two cling to your certainties, the craving for love and acceptance that is underneath the fury, and the healing available in this opportunity. Still, it pains me to see you two wrestle with your own demons while pointing fingers at each other’s. We are all human, doing our very best to live a just and good life, stumbling in the dark at times and clawing our way to the light. I cry when I see you two replay the records of your own suffering.

I also feel grateful for this experience because I trust that this will yet again be a pivotal moment of healing. You two have bottled up your anger, shame, dissatisfaction, judgment, and hurt for so long that it was bound to erupt in volcanic fury. I know that we get to cool down now. Time heals all things, and I know that there will still be love if we all do The Work. I see the gift of this turmoil when I zoom out and leave the realm of judgment, when I fast forward a year and see you two liberating the feelings stuck in your bodies with greater ease and safety.

I feel proud for how I showed up, pouring love into you, pouring love into my mother, doing the best that I could do accept you two. I know that I have done my all this time, and I know how much better I can do next time… still, I feel immensely proud for the compassion and love that I let emanate from my Spiritual Heart. This was an unforeseen challenge and, while I also feel exhausted, I really do feel immensely proud for being able to hold so much energy within me. I know now that some of my sobbing was a purge of all that energy that was within me.

I feel peaceful and connected. I breathe in, I breathe out, and I feel the expanse of this present tick of time, knowing that there is so much joy and consciousness on this path that I tread. I understand my journey into expression, integrity, humility, and service. I know that this is also my co-creation, and that my continued progression towards being the Superior Man will continue to be the mirror for both of you.

Writing all of this has been medicine for me. The more that I write from my heart, the more that I feel like a waking meditation. I love you for reading this. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Your Husband,

Austin Mao