Dear Brandon, on Humility and Service

1Heart Journey 10 in October at OZEN in PDC, Mexico

Dear Brandon,

I'm writing this email with some trepidation. It will be one of the most vulnerable things I have ever shared. I'm so grateful for our brotherhood that I can feel safe to share this with you. I am so grateful for you in my life, to have someone who I know will honor me for all that I share.

Yesterday, I woke from a deep dream before the sun rose enveloped in a feeling of revelation and understanding. I finally got the rest that my body demanded, the release that my mind craved from conversing with Tim, Diana, and Chuchu the night before, and the spaciousness to process my journey. I dreamt that I was in a luxurious building, something like the Grand Budapest Hotel. I had a book in my hand, "Alice in Wonderland", gifted to me by the master of the domain: the Librarian. I sought him out to return the book.

I journeyed to the lower levels, to the depths of this building, passing extraordinary and cavernous rooms of grand design. I saw extravagant technology and luxury. As I floated through the depths, I finally found the lowest basement. I opened a door to the room that I knew housed the Librarian. Rather than seat himself in the lap of luxury as he could have, the room was a tiny cubicle, as if a janitor's closet. He sat at a modest desk lit by a single desk lamp. Surprised, I handed him "Alice in Wonderland", giving my thanks. Instead, he returned the book to me and said that this book is mine.

I received this with deep gratitude, my eyes closed and heart open. I proceeded to turn and exit the way I came. The Librarian stopped me and said, "you can now exit this way". The walls behind him lifted, as if they were doors being opened, revealing a glorious landscape of rolling hills and vibrant nature. This room that was so industrial and functional, past the luxuries of man and hosting the master of the realm, was really just a gateway into Paradise. I stepped out and woke up.

I laid in my bed meditating on this story, feeling the import of its depths and knowing that it was the inflection point of my journey. The first thought that came to me was "the medicine is still working within me." I finally stopped to just allow and observe rather than analyze. I floated in the space between sleep and wakefulness, pondering how my journey with 1Heart and you is a mirror image of my journey with Keith. That both of you exercised such patience in the face of my hubris and certainty, that both of you could see my gifts and could also see that I limited myself from truly complete connection because of me putting my mind on a pedestal.

I remembered dishonoring Keith by venting my frustrations outside him, and I felt so deeply sorry that I wasn't patient enough to hold in my struggle with you during the journey... that I cowardly vented my feelings to Barry, Tim, and Diana under the guise of "how can I best share my need for feeling valued with Brandon?" I've emotionally dumped so many times before, particularly on my frustrations with Chuchu, rather than allowed myself the space to process. And yet, I also know that this is my journey as I write these words.

I see now that this dream is a metaphor of my journey. Holding "Alice in Wonderland", a story of discovery, I witnessed that the true medicine giver (the Librarian) is seated in the most humble room, past all the worldly gifts of luxury and experiences. I found that accepting this book -- accepting my journey -- and understanding humbleness is the key to freeing my soul to true peace.

I write this and struggle to share the profundity of my revelation, for it is something so deeply personal to me and interwoven with every aspect of my being that only I can grok the dream in its fullest capacity. I am always certain I am right, even in the certainty of knowing that I don't know. I cannot truly surrender in this certainty. Chuchu has often struggled to be in my presence because she would begin to question her own reality in the face of my certainty. It is the very energy that I exude, and this energy has limited me from creating space for relationships where I can co-create and co-elevate at maximum potential. I haven't given space for the now-knowing to allow myself to expand; instead, I have filled this space with my own hot air.

I can see the threads weaving this revelation into place. Being in service among Tim and Diana was very impactful for me because I got to touch my deepest shadows. In the spirit of vulnerability and pursuit of self-acceptance, I will share that I envy Tim and Diana for seeing them ahead of me in this path of consciousness (yes, I know this is my interpretation, and that is my journey, too). I witnessed how they would set aside their exhaustion and desire for their own experience in true service to others while, in my mind's eye, I would feel that I am "owed" my own experience. I felt the gratitude shared from the medicine team, participants, and staff to their service, and said to myself, "I deserve praise for my gifts as well." In particular, my feelings were amplified by seeing Diana embody service with such grace. I was surprised... we started in Journey 6 together, and yet she rose to a level I can only witness from below. And then, I would feel my lack of self-value and project that onto you, hiding the lessons behind my envy with logical arguments that "I work so hard and I'm not getting the reciprocity I deserve". I would be defensiveness in my views, feel resentment for not being honored, and insist upon my reality.

Whew. Deep breath here. I'm shivering with the release of long-held energy that's been wrapped so tightly in my own fear of unworthiness. I feel very embarrassed, and yet I also know that you are the most accepting man I have ever met. Writing this, I feel tears well up in my eyes because I can feel truly safe sharing this with you, and I feel so, so grateful that I can share this with you. I am so very sorry that I was in my mind and not my heart, and yet I also know that you will forgive me because this is my journey as well as yours as well as all of ours. I have so often deconstructed my feelings and others' words in my mind, molding WHAT they say into form that I can collate, organize, and defend against. But I know the real work is to look past those words and into the essence of their feelings to the WHY... the gift in their goodness and love, for my betterment no matter how harsh the words may be, emanating from the humanity that lays at the core of all of us.

I've often done this with Chuchu, hearing her words and arguing at the level of what she says. Only recently have I exercised the patience and acceptance to allow her words (and her heart) space so I/we can both understand the love and fear underneath them that they come from. I am doing this now with what you so courageously shared to me at OZEN.

I got stuck hearing "you cannot be in service until you have more reverence for the medicine" because I immediately interpreted this as a mark on my spirituality and an insistence on yours. In reality, I now choose to interpret this as "deference to the medicine" because, as so many times before, I can see you gently leading me to be a better man by seeing the path before me that I get to walk: this path into humbleness, into quiet confidence, into true service -- outwards and inwards, where my mind is quiet and still not expecting return. Into gratitude and feeling self-value without the need for validation from others. Into trust and surrender -- not just the oft-repeated words, but the meaning of it deep in my psyche to allow the hot air of my mind out and allow space for love, to expand my being into real harmony with others through ACCEPTANCE and SERVICE. Into releasing the feeling that I am "owed" something and embracing that I can give everything.

You are absolutely right that I have thought myself smarter than the medicine. In fact, I have thought myself smarter than everyone and everything else. I see that this is my journey, to humble myself before the universe and shed this identity. To accept myself as smart, but not "smarter than". To share my gifts freely and openly without need for reciprocity. To surrender and trust that others will recognize me and give back to me, will create space in their hearts if I can create space in mine.

As I return back to my inner integrity, I will start by adding $2,500 to the scholarship fund, the same amount I was gifted to allow me to come. Then, I vow to integrate these lessons of integrity and humility into every moment of my life. I will fail at times, and that is okay, because this work is hard and I'm human. I ask the favor of your support as I know you have continuously supported me: to remind me without fear to be better, to show up with humility and love, to not demand reciprocity or recognition, to feel into the love that I have inside.

I'm so grateful for you, Brandon. I would not be the man that I am without you, not even a fraction. I'm so grateful for you creating opportunity and space for me to grow, for your gentle guidance full of tenderness and respect. I know I am not easy. I am so grateful for your love and understanding. I am constantly impressed by your willpower, patience, and acceptance that you give to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I feel such relief sharing this letter to you. I will also share it with Tim, Diana, Barry, Keith, and of course, my dear wife -- all who have borne the brunt of my hubris. I know they all see me and have even seen this opportunity of me to really embrace the gift of my shadow, and I can only say: thank you for your patience and love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you.

With Deepest Love and Gratitude,

Austin