Dear Baobei, on Embodying Love

Dear Wife,

This past week has been extra challenging for us. I’m writing this letter with greater clarity and calm than I’ve had all week. I don’t know if you’ll ever read it, so this is inherently for me.

First, please know that I love you so much and am so grateful for everything about you, including the incredible despair, anger, and pain that you’ve recently experienced. All of life is a journey, and it is not lost on me that how I approach the lows in the journey are far more important than how I approach the highs.

This letter is my understanding of my journey after much meditation. I am so grateful for Paul Cooper opening the window into spiritual context. Before speaking with Paul last night, I was confused as to what to do next. Now, I feel very certain that my fixation on the future “next” is why I could not find the right answer.

On New Year’s Eve, I wrote a Facebook post where I shared that I’ve found my dharma. I’m moving from my savior complex as a kid to the “know it all” psychospiritual facilitator into a spiritual teacher from a place of oneness and humility. I say “moving into” because this is a transition of my identity or, rather, a deepening into my Inner Truth and acceptance of what intuitively brings me the most fulfillment. I have felt immense gratitude for you as my greatest teacher, challenging me to be more accepting, patient, loving, empathetic, mindful, centered, humble, caring, and softer.

Paul helped me realize that this transition for me is bound to contain extraordinary difficulties as I move deeper into Oneness. The Universe — or, as I like to think of it, universal consciousness as my Ego — puts obstacles in front of me to force me to overcome, to teach me to be better, and to ultimately dissolve my past identity for the sake of the future one. I know that this all sounds quite meta. Let me offer some more concrete examples in the spirit of vulnerability and clarity.

The following may be difficult for you to hear. I ask that you receive my vulnerable share as just a stepping stone in my journey. Please be patient with me here and accept me for my faults. A month ago in Miami, I came to the painful intuition that I should exit this partnership because I didn’t feel supported on my journey into Oneness. I choose not to add color to this statement because it’s really not important now. Suffice you to say, I had this idea embedded deep in my subconscious… the feeling that this relationship was in itself not in my integrity because of how much and how often I felt called to compromise my integrity.

Then, when we got back home to Colorado and committed to being grounded, finding our purpose, engaging in flow every day, I turned and looked into the light of our partnership and found the glow of hope. Still, the subconscious inception of “this is not right” haunted me from behind, and the nagging voice of shadow would creep up into reality when I would deliver micro-aggressions. I would constantly let you know things I’m doing for our household while pointing out my perceived imbalance of things you’re not doing. When I compared our Logos psychological profiles, and you caught me finding pleasure that my scores were higher than yours, I was really confused by why I would be such a bully. I understand with so much clarity now: that deep, dark voice was calling me to push you away. And that’s exactly what I did through the sum of all the little micro-aggressions this past month.

Last night, I shared with Paul that I felt frustrated by how you have been on your phone so much rather than present. He responded, “have you ever thought that you pushed her to do that?” This question really opened my eyes. I had never thought that my non-acceptance and judgments of you, even when I kept verbally quiet, were leading you away from me because I was willing it to happen. Indeed, I believe I am the creator of my reality, that my energy directs the Universe to manifest my Inner Truth… and it’s up to me to open my eyes and expand my heart to see how I’m doing it. I see now that I have manifested this extraordinary turmoil by way of not being honest with myself and honest with you. I see that I have failed in being the spiritual teacher that I claim and aim to be by not leading with love, by not trusting and surrendering with love in my heart, but instead allowing my Inner Critic voice to subconsciously guide my hand to these hurdles.

Yesterday, you asked me how I felt, and I shared that I have clarity now on the path forward. Indeed, I do. It is to open my heart at all times — especially when it is most challenging — to love you and everyone and everything with deep presence. I asked Paul for an example of maintaining my integrity while doing this, using timeliness as an example. He shared that opening your heart and then surrendering to whatever Time delivers you will allow me to be within my deep integrity… that attempting to collapse time, to force the future by nagging you to hurry up, ultimately quickens all that I try to avoid in the name of “integrity”. He says that when he rushes Diana, she tends to go slower; and that when he pours energy out from his heart, everything — and I mean everything — manifests as it should.

I realized that this is the case with everything in my life: you, my mother, money, my path, relationships… all of it. I try to force saving or making money, and then our finances become more challenging to manage. I try to force you to change, and then you push back in resistance and stay more firm in who you are now. I try to push my mother into healing, and then she finds some new ailment to suffer from. I try to force my journey, and then I end up right back here: facing the lesson of humility, patience, acceptance, and unconditional love once again.

I’ve tormented myself on the questions of What if? so much these past few days. What if my wife and I have a child? Am I dooming myself to always be a caretaker? And then I would show up with fear and resentment of a future yet to be, which would push you further away from me. What if our business fails? And then, we would receive more penalties from the County and internal challenges. Time and time again, I am manifesting my own fears by forecasting into the future rather than Being Love in the present.

So this is where I am. Last night was my first opportunity to really embody what I grokked. I committed to deeply listening to you, giving you all of my empathy and love. I could see you were in pain. That’s all that mattered. All the things you said came from that well of pain. I could see that you are moving through your own journey, which is so appropriately a reflection of mine. The most and best I could do is to polish my mirror as much as possible for you to see the reflection of love and acceptance from me. I heard everything you said last night and honor it all; and I want you to know that I love you more than ever before because I commit to loving you unconditionally in the present, not attempting to control our future.

So just as I started, I tell you again: I love you so deeply with all my heart. We are moving through our Separateness into Oneness, and I’m so grateful for you being my counterpart. I’m so grateful for your teachings so I can be a better husband, a better man, and the embodiment of love that I am meant to be.

Sincerely,

Your Husband