Dear Mama, Suffering is an Opportunity to Heal

Dear Mama,

I’ve been in the habit of writing letters to really explore my deeper, more complex truths and communicate them in an intentional way. I pray you receive this message with the love and acceptance that I intend to pour into it. This is primarily for me, and for me to share with you my journey to also share with you the love and care inherent within. Please know that I love you beyond words, and pray that you can journey deeper into peace and spiritual joy.

The past week beginning on the night before you left has been extraordinarily challenging for me. I have also learned an equally extraordinary lesson, so I would not trade a moment for another… I am very, very grateful.

No doubt, you have received a few messages from Chuchu. The first is filled with rage; the next, tempered with regret. These are projections of the journey that both of us have been on that was first activated in the dinner we had at Temaki Den where you shared your judgments about Chuchu. Knowing what I know now, I know that this journey began many years ago — even before Chuchu existed — and I see this as a culmination of spiritual repair for my soul.

When you shared that you felt Chuchu to be selfish and irresponsible, I expressed to you that this is her journey and that mine is to accept her as she is. At that moment, I said the conscious words, but now I know that there are so many deeper layers at play here. Tracing these back, I first admit that I agreed with your judgments. It’s taken me a great deal of energy to merely release this admission, which is a window into just how often I hide from Truth. You spoke what I felt so many times before, and it felt good to receive affirmation from my mother.

The layer below is that I manifested this judgment for you. I have only been able to discover this through deep meditation and Chuchu’s guidance, which has helped me realize and admit a deep Inner Truth: I create my reality. I have been doing the vast majority of the house work and services for which our partnership thrives. While I like to preach that I have become more accepting, I have been subconsciously accumulating the ticks of times that I did something and she hasn’t. Every single day, I would add an extra measure of resentment to my heart until the weight could not be ignored.

Before you arrived, I created the intention to cook for you every meal. I cleaned the home vigorously, wiping every surface more than I have before. I wanted to make everything perfect… and meanwhile, I was also calculating just how much more sweat I was sweating than Chuchu. I would even say to her, “no, you don’t have to help me, I’ve got this” and then become just a tad bit more resentful. I created my own suffering.

I am learning that stored energy needs release. We all have different forms of release. You see, my form of release is crafty: my release is in micro-aggressions, making little quips here and there to remind Chuchu of just how much more I am doing. I would ask, “have you let Tofu out to pee?” already knowing that she hasn’t. I subconsciously wanted to remind her that she hasn’t, just so I can feel validated that I did more. These micro-aggressions stacked over and over to become a mountain… a mirror compliment for the piling of resentment in my heart. And the best part of it is that I could only lie in my victimhood, expressing and truly believing that Chuchu created this imbalance. You see, I created this imbalance. The crazy trick of this consciousness game is to realize that I created it, and so did Chuchu, and so did you — each of us for different reasons rooted deeply in our souls. We all created this reality to bring our shadow into the light. Our souls crave the opportunity to heal.

There is one more layer, and this one cuts very deep. Doing more than others is an act of love for me. It is also an act of receiving validation. You have always shared with me just how special I am. I am supremely grateful for the confidence that this constant affirmation has afforded me. I have also just come to realize that your affirmations are frequently relative — you would share that I am so gifted compared to the other kids, or that I am so special and Chuchu is so lucky. I see now with a clearer lens that the relative comparison, albeit a positive one, has embedded in me my own subconscious tendency to compete for love.

Thus, I manifested the entire conflict between Chuchu and you and me by subconscious design. I married a woman who needs me to support her. I set myself up to be a caretaker, constantly taking charge rather than even giving Chuchu the opportunity to lead. I created the expectation to impress you with how conscious I’ve become in the week you arrived. I cooked, cleaned, and did more that week while nurturing the idea that I do more than Chuchu. Meanwhile, the built-up resentment leaked out of me in micro-aggressions, adding that much more tinder to the flame that would ultimately lead to explosion.

So you see, I spun the web that trapped me in my own suffering. I almost wrote “trapped us all” but that would be incomplete: each of you individually have spun your own threads of suffering, stemming from your own subconscious will, into this giant web of our family. I have created this reality of mine. If it wasn’t with Chuchu, it would be with someone else… because I have yet to be aware and do The Work to release this shadow of mine, this need to be better than others rather than just better.

I’m shaking right now. Peeling back these layers of Inner Truth is a visceral experience because I am finally releasing long-trapped energy in my journey into integrity. I cannot predict how you will receive this. I can only say that I know everything I shared before to be my Truth, and that my act of taking 100% responsibility does not also preclude Chuchu or you from the beautiful opportunity to take your responsibility and empowerment. It’s just that this is my letter, fully about me.

Now, I am here, eyes open and ready to heal. How timely that this is in the beginning of the New Year when making commitments is in fashion. I commit to trace all my feelings of resentment, anger, shame, hurt, and pain down through the layers of expectations into my early childhood programming. I commit to showing up with love and acceptance, not just the idea of it or uttering the words, but in the real truth of it… to make sure that my every intention is filled with love and not tainted by a touch of expectation. I commit to loving both Chuchu and you to my fullest, and to demonstrate by example what love could create if given freely and truly.

For all the words that were exchanged between us three, I also want you to know that I forgive you, I forgive her, and I forgive myself. We are all on our own journeys. I am so grateful that mine gets to weave in and out of both of yours. Chuchu has been my greatest teacher; you’ve been the foundation that I have built my being on. Thank you both so very much. I will forever be grateful.

I would normally say that I pray that each of you finds your healing, and that you two reconcile, but I do not wish to say this because it does not resonate with me anymore. I know you will find your healing; I know Chuchu will find hers; and I know that you two will reconcile, in this life or the next, when each of you grasps your power as responsibility to discover that the separateness that divides you is really a mirage. Chuchu is in my life for a reason. I picked her and stay with her for a reason. Life is not mere chance and I do not play it as chance. Every moment of every day is a choice, and I choose to do The Work with her by my side for a reason.

You are also in my life for a reason, and I am in yours for a reason very much your own. You gave me life and I help you heal. Even the challenges that we face — like this one so fresh — is our opportunity to move closer to God through love, compassion, and acceptance. Chuchu and you are both reflections of my soul, offering me so many precious opportunities to be closer to God in this way. It is up to me to open my heart to allow the river of Oneness to flow in and through me, and to be the man that can truly serve you, her, and everyone else in the highest integrity.

Thank you for listening. I love you so much. Happy New Year, Momma.

Sincerely,

Your Son